February 2011
1 post
PM tells the poor to chin up and work harder for... →
I would say we have had a huge communication success because everyone is talking about it” - Francis Maude, Cabinet Office minister
Actually, more people are talking about Lady Gaga still trying too hard. But if you discussion is a measure of success, then World War II, the JFK Assassination and the current Iraq War are some of the greatest success ever. Can’t get enough of those.
October 2010
1 post
BBC News - Dream recording device 'possible'... →
May 2010
1 post
BBC News - Deaths as Israeli forces storm Gaza aid... →
He accused the convoy of a “premeditated and outrageous provocation”, describing the flotilla as an “armada of hate”.
Apparently, some sinister bastards have been trying to carry aid to the Gaza Strip. How terrible of them.
April 2010
1 post
Gay Priests Have Sex With Men →
“What they’re not going to do is feel-up choirboys or ask them to come to rehearsal wearing nothing but trunks. That’s called ‘being a paedophile’.
February 2010
2 posts
Teachers 'lack violence training' →
Teachers across the nation ‘punch like girls’, it has been reported.
Government proposes a choice of Mixed Martial Arts accreditation or 2 week training course with the army, followed by assessment in Somalia. Spokesperson commented “The grading will be pass/fail, if you catch my drift”.
January 2010
3 posts
Haiti quake rescuers find girl alive after 15 days →
Meanwhile, thousands of others are still dying or dead. But she’s been rescued. Good for her.
Ice alert following days of snow →
Caution: It’s Still There
In a related story, hundreds of schools and workplaces across the country are closed due to unforseen snow. Just like last year. And the year before. Every 12 months or so, really. Next years forecast: tropical sun with refreshing coastal breezes.
Not really. More snow. It’s fucking winter, what do you expect?
Irish atheists challenge blasphemy law →
Because when you get past the crusades, jihads, racism and wars, all religions just want to get along. And this requires the suppresion of free speech in an entire country. A western country. A ‘civilised’ country. A country even Americans can point out on a map from time to time.
This isn’t fun anymore.
November 2009
3 posts
Lawyers target thousands of 'illegal' file-sharers →
Because teenagers and shut-ins are really where the money’s at. Won’t pay for a environmentally costly CD that your favourite band actually gets a fraction of the face price from? Well, how does hundreds of pounds sound instead? Yeah, i though so.
Net neutrawhat?
Evolution and History compulsory →
Schools in England are to teach provable scientific fact to children, amid uproar from adults with imaginary friends. The freedom to teach whatever components of British history they want have been welcomed by teachers, exclaiming “Finally, we can stop with 13 solid years of World War II”
Fry ponders leaving Twitter site →
Because there really is nothing else going on in the world right now more pressing than than Stephen Frys social networking.
October 2009
17 posts
Scientologists convicted of fraud →
Members and officials within the church were shocked to hear that taking money from people under laughably false pretenses is actually a crime. France encourages other countries to “Man up. I mean, did you see the South Park on this?”
Other religious leaders have decried the Church of Scientology, claiming “At least our stupid books actually have some life lessons in them, and...
Dead girl 'met man on internet' →
Revelation eases tension, with many conceeding “Well, should’ve seen that coming…”
Karadzic boycotts start of trial →
Former Bosnian Serb Leader Radovan Karadzic has failed to appear at his trial on 11 charges including genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity in what is largely considered the most heinous version of “Na-na-na, I can’t hear you”. Prosecutors counter that warcrimes are like Herpes; you might forget about it, but it’s not gone away.
Anti-BNP groups to protest at BBC →
BBC counters “Don’t blame us, find the pricks who voted for them”
Nick Griffin on use of military imagery in the BNP →
“We are fighting the same fight as the boys who flew those planes. We are fighting against the depatriation and deportation of minority groups and against the belief that the indigenous white race of the country is superior. And we… what? Oh, that’s what we do believe, sorry.”
Science to 'stop age clock at 50' →
By killing at 51
Overweight 'should be protected' →
Eating yourself to ill-health and complaining to everyone else about it ought to no longer annoy others, it has been claimed. Just because you’ve done it to yourself and offend all the senses, a trained physician has no place to tell you to lose weight despite your health and well being be the point of his job.
In a related story, furries the world over rejoice, hoping to use this as precedent to...
Swedes divided over bunny biofuel →
Eco-friendly recycling angers a nation.
Don't pressure Iran, says Russia →
Because when it comes to far-right thinking nuclear upstarts with no concern for its citizens wellbeing and a vendetta against the US, we should all listen to Russias advice
Royal Mail to hire 30,000 temps →
Royal mail to hire 30,000 new employees, helping those otherwise unemployed in the first Christmas of the financial crisis. The positions were created by everyone else leaving, and they’re now even angrier at how easy they are to replace.
Climate protest enters second day →
Pointless hippies and overly dramatic middle class wannabes with a weekend to kill decide to achieve nothing in a loud and casually violent way.
MP challenging expenses auditor →
Last seen boarding a private jet, cackling “It’s mine, all mine!”
SNP call over swine flu vaccine →
Months after we’re all supposed to have died horrid deaths, Scottish Health Secretary reaffirms “Look, just take the vaccine and stop sneezing on each other for Christs sake”. Also, regular flu kills approximately 36000 a year. No-one notices.
Canadians intercept migrant ship →
“Just wait, you’ve nearly got your own health care” Canadian coastguard advises Americans.
Rio police die as helicopter hit →
Christian-right pressure groups blame violent video games, claiming this has played out in Grand Theft Auto games up and down the country. In an unrelated story, America and Britain still think they have it bad.
Australian teen makes sailing bid →
Claims to have “Had enough with all the spiders and snakes every fucking where”.
Aquarium worker bitten by shark →
Observers were shocked to discover that getting in an enclosed body of water containing a shark increases the risk of shark attack dramatically.